I'm Not Retiring...I'm Launching!

 

Launch intransitive verb

    a: to spring forward: TAKE OFF

    b: to enter energetically

How do I put into words my feelings about launching into a new phase of my career? How is it that I have been in education for 30 years?! This final stage with Ravenwood has been the most challenging (cue pandemic), most rewarding and most liberating! 

If you haven't heard yet, I am retiring from North Kansas City at the end of this school year. This is such a bittersweet decision. I love this district with all my heart! I have spent 21 of my 30 education years here growing as an educator! I have experienced so much tremendous training with people like Geneva Gay, Deb Miller, Matt Glover, Jeanine Hastings, Greg Tang, Sam Bennett, Kate Roberts, Cornelius Minor...to name a few! This district has invested so much into me as a leader, and I am forever grateful. 

Beginnings

I started my career in Des Moines, IA in 1993 as the music teacher of Lovejoy Elementary. I remember working until 8pm most nights and crying a lot my first year. I had an amazing assistant principal, Wilma Gajdel, who invested in me and helped me to believe in myself. I lived up to her expectations. I put on music programs our school was proud of and even received an Arts grant to bring an artist in residence into our school.

I moved back to St. Joseph where I taught one year in a private Christian school and then went on to be a part of St. Joseph Public Schools. (I had worked for the district offices all through college, so it was a really easy transition back)! Interesting facts - it is here that I first met our former CFO and current Board member Paul Harrell, as well as our very own Superintendent "Dan the Man." :) 

In 2000, I moved to Kansas City as a single parent mom, and took a job at a technology charter school. I was working on my Master's degree in Educational Technology and was excited to put my learning to work! I worked at the charter school all summer, they went bankrupt, and I never received one paycheck. Not one! It was September so I took at job at another charter school, Della Lamb. Not only did I teach music here, but I also taught reading and art. I was not certified in either of those areas, but I sure learned a lot, and the kids did, too! In February, budget cuts came. I was the last to be hired, so the first to go. 

North Kansas City

It was then that I applied for jobs in North Kansas City. I was so fortunate to be hired for the 2001-2002 school year to teach not only music, but to also provide music tech support for the entire district. In the meantime, they hired me as a contracted sub for the rest of the year. I would take any music jobs, and any elementary jobs three days a week, while the other two days I traveled across the district installing sound cards in the computers for music teachers and hooking up their midi. I also taught them how to integrate music technology into their classrooms. Interestingly enough, it was during this time that I also joined up with Natalie and Gene as our cover band Cherry Bomb was taking off! We were founding members.

My first job in the district was at Davidson where I was their music teacher for 3 years. By this time, I knew I wanted to make a difference for not only students, but for teachers as well. I had begun my Education Specialist degree in Administration and knew that I wanted to become an elementary principal. I also felt that if I wanted to be a strong leader, then I needed to know what it was like to walk in the shoes of a classroom teacher, as well as an encore teacher. So my principal Victoria Miles allowed me to move into an open 5th grade classroom to get this experience. 

I thought I would do this a few years, but to my surprise, an assistant principal position opened up at Gracemor. I applied and was hired to work with the amazing Cynthia Kupka! Oh the things I learned in this position! I am forever grateful to this wonderful woman who took me under her wing and MADE ME DO EVERYTHING! LOL! I truly had a gamut of experiences! She made sure I didn't just handle behavior as her assistant principal. I engaged in supervision of teachers, handling parent concerns, attending IEP's, dumpster diving (for important paperwork I accidentally threw out!), dressing up to motivate students and staff, creating and leading professional development, planning fun activities for families...and the list goes on and on. We were an incredible team and I am forever in her debt. 

In 2007, I became the proud principal of Oakwood Manor! I really thought I was ready, and to be fair, I was as ready as I could be. I had no idea the tremendous amount of pressure I would feel leading an entire school on my own. However, we had fun learning and growing together. We were one of the first schools, along with Northview, Ravenwood and Briarcliff, to bring Reader's and Writer's workshop to the district. We implemented the Daily Five to support our workshop model. We looked at student work together and used our data to guide our decisions. One of the things I found myself saying over and over again was, "If you can't live it, it is hard to teach it." So we began having our own author's chair in staff meetings and shared our writing with one another. 

We created a beautiful courtyard space and an incredible community garden that was a partnership between us and the city of Gladstone. Cherry Bomb did a fundraiser concert for the school allowing us to purchase several smartboards for our classrooms before they were provided by the district. We were committed to innovative practices for our students!

It was here that I fell in love with special education, my special education students and their families, as we housed three cross categorical classrooms at Oakwood Manor.  I learned so much about the processes, challenges and joys of special education during my 8 years as the Head Owl. 

I was very spoiled by my Oakwood Manor family when I became Dr. Casey in 2013 with a celebration I will never forget! The students and staff were so special to me and they kept a piece of my heart as I transitioned to my next gig. 

Ravenwood

In 2015, it was time for me to spread my wings and become a Raven. It was so difficult to say good bye to my Oakwood Manor Owls that had taught me so much about being a principal and a leader. 

Entering Ravenwood, I had a confidence that I did not possess when walking into Oakwood Manor. I had experience behind me. The staff embraced me and showered me with enthusiasm as I took the helm. I listened, watched and learned from them. We dug into math. We dug into literacy. We dug into deep equity work. We dug into positive relationships. We created an incredible culture and climate where everyone felt like family. I always said, "We spend so much time together, this must be a good place to be!" Other things I found myself saying included, "Seek first to understand and then be understood," "Be nice to kids and be nice to each other," "Balance grace with accountability." I would often share The Four Agreements: Be impeccable with your word, always do your best, don't make assumptions and don't take things personally. 

During our time together, our students designed and created an amazing outdoor classroom under the guidance of their teachers. Our staff championed for an accessible and inclusive playground. We created one of the largest Walk-To-School events in the entire Kansas City Metro area. We were recognized as a Gold status PBS (Positive Behavior Supports) school for 5 years, while also being recognized as bronze and silver in previous years. We more than survived during a pandemic. We created beautiful learning spaces and we embraced restorative practices. Equity and inclusion became our heartbeat. We were mindful together. We worked hard, we played hard. We laughed and grew together. 

Ravenwood is such a special place. I couldn't possibly let go...our hearts are connected. As I launch, I honor this work we have done and instead, look to empower my staff and students as I see my leadership multiplied in them. I guarantee they will mold their next leader as they have molded me. 

Welcome!

Walk To School Day

You Belong Here

Future Griffins

Launch Vs. Retire

So why launch instead of retire? With 18 years of administrative experience under my belt, I have the principal role down to the best of my ability. If you know me, you know I can't stand still, I keep going back to school because I love to learn, and trying new adventures is integral to who I am as a person. Retiring is not for me. I am ready to launch into a new phase of my life. 

Over two years ago I had a vision. An idea. A dream. 

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT EDUCATORS. I believe with my whole heart that educators are some of the most incredible humans on this planet. They are constantly giving more. They serve. They love. Then they give some more. I saw them do near miraculous things during a pandemic. Then I saw them get tired. They kept giving. Then I saw them get criticized. They gave anyway. Then I saw them being asked to create a plane while it was flying in the air. They did that...and kept on giving, serving, and loving. Then I saw them begin to lose a little of the light in their eyes. Then I began to see them question if they could keep going. Then I got concerned. 

We have been sold a lie that if we are a truly good human, we will put others ahead of ourselves. We have been told we must sacrifice for others and that this is virtuous. The truth is, in order to truly serve others, we can't continue to put ourselves and our needs last. If we do, people start getting our leftovers. Then we get our own leftovers, we fizzle out, lose our enthusiasm and lose our hope. We can't fill from an empty cup and there is a reason we are told to put on our oxygen masks first when we travel on a plane!

eduThrive®

Enter eduThrive®. My vision, my idea, my dream. eduThrive® is nourishment for your educator heart, mind, body and spirit. Through eduThrive® I have been coaching and mentoring educators (and others that have been interested) in taking better care of themselves through nutrition, movement, mindfulness and meditation. As my clients have learned these principles, they are finding themselves not only less burned out, but full of joy, learning they truly can be of service to others. It seems like a paradox. The more they take care of their own needs, the better able they are to tend to the needs of others. They are thriving and this is having a positive impact on them, their families, and those they serve. 

Upon my launching (rather than retiring), I plan to expand this work and increase the number of educators I can reach and impact through full-time coaching and consulting. I can give a person a fish or I can teach them to fish. Stay tuned for how that will unfold. 

Gratitude

If you have been a student, a family member, a staff member or a colleague on this 30-year path with me - I thank you, I honor you, I love you. Thank you for being my teachers on this journey. You all mean the world to me and it has been my great honor serving you. Here is to more of that as I launch into my next season! Namaste! 

My First Marathon - The Race (Part 3 of 3)

 

So many people have asked me about how things actually went the day of the race, so I thought that would be a good end to this series. The night before, I had a meal of zucchini with pasta sauce, veggies, chickpeas and walnuts along with three generous portions of homemade sour dough bread! After enjoying this delicious meal, I went to my friend's hotel room because she had a bathtub and we did not in our historic boutique hotel. The reason this is important is because I took an ice bath! This is not the most pleasant experience in the world, but I have done a few now, and it truly helps with inflammation.  

After that invigorating experience, I went back to our room and began setting out my racing gear. I then did some yoga poses and headed to bed around 10pm. 

I set my alarm for 4:45 am but turned it off and slept for another 15 minutes. I then got up and put on my clothes, followed by warming up my knees with heating pads and moist washcloths for about 20 minutes. While I did this, I engaged in meditation. Once again, I visualized what it would be like to cross the finish line. I imagined how I would feel and sat with that for awhile. I then ate my normal banana and peanut butter for breakfast! My body is used to this routine and I was able to eliminate before the race! Super important! :) I headed out and arrived at 6:30 am with the race to begin at 7:30 am. 

Anne' and I warmed up with some morning yoga by the river as we watched the sun rise. It was absolutely beautiful! 

I packed the things I take on every single run --- I did not want to deviate from what I was accustomed to having on my runs. So I took my handheld Nathan water bottle with the pouch holding some Stinger Energy Gummies, three ibuprofen, my earbuds, and a maple syrup gel. I also wore my belt that holds my iPhone. I stashed a Noka Superfood Smoothie in the pouch of my shorts for my nutrition. I have not done very well with GU and Gels. They make me nauseous and I have even thrown up before after having a GU. The Noka works well for me when I am on my long runs. It is real food that I am used to having. I highly recommend! They are quite a bit larger than a gel, so you have to have a way to stash it on your run. 

Before I knew it, it was time to line up at the gate! Oh how I love this energy! Anne' and I pushed forward. I felt confident and a sense of exhilaration! We took off and Anne' and I enjoyed the course! We passed corn fields and then went into the cutest neighborhood. The support of this race is incredible and we appreciated all the cheers, high fives and signs along the way! One couple even provided Mimosas for the runners! I loved the humor! I had some of my superfood smoothie at about mile seven. This is also where they had GUs available so I went ahead and snatched one just in case! Additionally, I had water in my water bottle that I sipped along the way and was careful to make sure I drank gatorade at each station that it was available in. We kept a great pace and suddenly we were running up the hill that signaled we were getting close to her half marathon finish. We walked quickly on part of the hill and picked right back up with our running. In what seemed like no time at all, we saw the sign for me to split off from her and we said goodbye as we parted. The first half just flew by and I was feeling very strong! In fact, I thought to myself, "the best way to train for a half marathon was to train for a marathon because it wasn't nearly as difficult for me this year." 

I was afraid my husband would not know where to find me since we split off, but my fear was in vain as I rounded a corner and saw him standing there with our dog and the signs my students from school had made for me! This gave me a jolt of energy and filled my heart with such love and appreciation! It just meant so much to see him there and to see their signatures and words of encouragement! 

At this point, I had more of my superfood smoothie, a stinger gummy and put in my earbuds. Now one of the things I love doing on my long runs is listening to audiobooks and podcasts. So the book I decided to listen to for the second half of my marathon was the book Endure by Alex Hutchinson. This was very much on purpose! I was listening to a book about how people can endure more than their minds are willing to accept. It was awesome and kept my mind occupied with the research on precisely why I could finish this run! 

This part of the race was very quiet. We were off the roads and onto the Katy Trail. The runners thinned out significantly from the half marathon. The trail was beautiful and I enjoyed the peacefulness. I came to the bridge crossing the river and that was another hill to conquer. I had taken all of my Noka Superfood Smoothie and knew that I needed more fuel for that hill. This is when I had my maple syrup gel. It was definitely nice running down that hill, but I knew that meant I would also be going back up again! When I got to the turnaround at mile 19, I thought I should go to the bathroom since I had continued to sip my water and stop for Gatorade, and I needed to fuel again. Good thing I snatched that GU, because that is all I had left besides my Stinger gummies. As much as I hated to take that GU, I did (and it did make feel a bit nauseous, but I worked through it). Sadly, stopping at the bathroom was unnecessary as I had been sweating everything out. Rats! I wasted time on that! 

I had to walk up part of the hill and back over the river. I was a bit tired, but I never hit a wall, and nothing cramped up on me. At mile 20, I told myself, "this is just a Saturday morning run left! You've got this!" When I hit mile 22, a surge of emotion hit me and I got very teary-eyed. At this point, I actually said outloud --- "I'm really going to finish the marathon! I'm F-ing finishing this marathon! This is just a Monday night run left to go! Easy!" At this point, I switched from my audio book to my inspirational music playlist. It includes songs like Brave - Sara Bareilles, Times Like These - Foo Fighters, This Is Me - Keala Settle, Good As Hell - Lizzo, High Hopes - Panic At the Disco, We are Warriors - Avril Lavigne, What If - India.Arie, Love Myself - Hailee Steinfeld, to name a few. 

At Mile 25, Anne' and her daughter Theron came running up to me with hugs and they ran a few feet with me! That was an amazing boost! I got to what I thought was the end, only to have to make a turn and run some more! LOL! I then caught a glimpse of my husband and that finish line and began to book it! I was ALL smiles! I felt amazing! What an incredible feeling that is so hard to put into words! I finished in 5 hours and 3 minutes. I was hoping to finish in 4 hours, 59 minutes! But man, I will take it! I did not think this was bad at all for a person who has only been running 2 1/2 years and completing their first marathon. 

Then after the exhilaration, I limped to the stretching tent and got some ice for the knees. I got hugs from my crew before they took off, and then slowly walked over to ring the giant cowbell while eating my banana. 

WHAT. A. RUSH!!!

Not wanting to cramp my legs up for four hours on a ride home, we stayed another night and left in the morning! Once I got back into Kansas City, I went to have some bodywork done and promptly left to make it to our parent teacher conferences that began at 4:30pm that night. I walked (not limped) right in, a very happy principal! 

People ask me how it felt to finish. My reply is "Accomplished, sore and hungry!" The next question they ask me is, "Would you do it again?" My response? "Absolutely!" :) 

 

My First Marathon - The Mindset (Part 2 of 3)

 

So we left off at the mind/body connection in Part 1. I neglected to share a couple of important components regarding my training. Along with all the things I wrote about, I was also taking very good care of my body with bodywork. I was going twice a week to F.I.T. Muscle and Joint and getting soft tissue work, blood flow restriction therapy, dry needling and exercises assigned by the awesome Alex Beltrame. He also let me use these incredible recovery boots after my runs! They are the bomb diggety! 

Additionally, I got some massages along the way from the beautiful Jocelyn Costa, visited my amazing Sports Doc Isaac Combs, in Lawrence and saw my chiropractor, Dr. Taylor Phipps! I engaged in strength training sessions three times a week with my long time friend and trainer, Denise Sarver and used the heck out of the Sally McRae App. I wanted my body to be in the best possible health! 

Having confidence that I was taking the very best care of my physical body that I could, helped me to approach the marathon with a positive mindset and spirit!

I began my mindset work by going into meditation and envisioning myself as a marathon runner. Having read all the books I shared in Part 1, I knew that I was doing everything possible to have my body physically ready, but I also knew the most difficult work would happen in my mind. 

I engage in daily meditation. Sometimes it is just a few minutes, and sometimes it lasts for 30 minutes or more. During my meditation as I was training, I would see myself crossing that finish line. I would practice feeling what that was like. I could see the facial expression I would have, and feel the accomplishment I would feel. I would practice in my mind what it might feel like to want to give up along the way, and how I would overcome that. I gave up my negative self-talk about my ability as a runner and began telling myself that I was an excellent runner and that I had been a runner all along, and just didn't know it. I gave myself kuddos for meeting my goals, increasing my mileage, and hitting new times. Similarly to Deena Kastor, my positive self talk and flipping negative beliefs about myself helped me to better handle disappointments and tough runs. She explains in her book, Let Your Mind Run,  

"By identifying a thought that was holding me back and replacing it with a new one to help me forward, I undid years of self-destructive thinking patterns that had left me unhappy and injury prone. And I built better mental habits that not only propelled my success but also prepared me to handle setbacks and challenges." 

The crazy thing about this process is that it not only increased my confidence as a runner, but it increased my confidence in other areas of my life and I have just been happier! Running makes me happy! :) 

(Screen shot from Bank of America Chicago Marathon Facebook Post, that includes Deena Kastor along with the incredible Emily Sisson, Joean Benoit Samuelson and Keira D'Amato) 

Another part of this mindset work revolved around the concept of pain. I know that our brains can play tricks on us and I had read the research regarding pain. In fact, I used to think the saying, “No pain, no gain” was just horrible! However, through the process of training for this marathon, I now have a new appreciation and understanding of pain. Last year as I was training for my first half marathon, I was terrified that if I felt pain, something in my body was broken or damaged. This caused me to stop doing what I was doing...running. Now that is kind of the purpose of pain, right? To make you stop? You put your hand on a hot stove, you get some pain, and you stop putting your hand on the stove. That is one way our pain protects us. But having the strength to endure pain can also produce something beautiful. For example, the pain of childbirth. Honestly, through the pain of my divorce, I gained my life back and eventually gained the husband I kept. ;)  There was a price to pay, but it was worth it. Similarly, training for this marathon was not easy and there was definitely a price to pay, and it definitely involved some level of pain. With the help of my medical and running experts, I learned to recognize when it was ok to run with the pain of my runner's knee (inflammation) without doing any damage, and I learned when I should let my body rest. Through this entire marathon experience, I came to understand my body more intimately and came to understand my mind/body/spirit connection in an entirely different way. It is SO POWERFUL. 

My only regret is that it took me so long to realize I am a runner. The good news is, if I make it to my goal age of 103 years, I have 51 years left to keep running! I am absolutely hooked, and cannot wait for my next marathon. Heck - who knows what else might be next? My marathon experience taught me there is nothing holding me back. I got out of my own way. 

My First Marathon - The Training (Part 1 of 3)

Let's get this straight right from the start. I am 52 years old and up until I turned 50 years old, I never saw myself as a runner. In fact, I would make jokes saying that the only time you would see me running was chasing children down Brighton (the road in front of the school where I am an elementary principal). 

I turned 50 years old on February 6, 2020. Just a little more than a month later, the Covid pandemic hit, and a month earlier, my mother passed away from pancreatic cancer at the age of 66. I was at a crossroads in my life. I was overweight, overtired, oversad, and over it. I had lost many loved ones the previous five years and I came to the realization that nearly half of my life was over if I were to make it to my goal age of 103 years old. I was deeply contemplative about losing my loved ones, studying their life choices, their health and looking at a sick and unhealthy version of myself in the mirror. 

I was changing many of my nutritional habits (based on research) and I had made a commitment to working out regularly. I had been going to Orange Theory for about six months when the pandemic hit, causing that to no longer be an option. What was a 50 year old, trying to get to a healthy version of herself supposed to do?! I did the only thing I could do. I starting running. We bought a nice treadmill that came in super handy, but I also began running on the Trolley Trail near my house. I started out telling myself, "I will do this Orange Theory style. I will walk fast for a base pace to that pole, then I will run at a push pace to the next pole. Then I will do a 30 second sprint and after that, go back to my base fast walking pace." 

I kept challenging myself to run farther and pretty soon I could run a mile without stopping. Before I knew it, I could run three miles without stopping. At that point, I was hooked and I joined the Kansas City Running Club. I figured I had a lot to learn and could use some company on my runs. I signed up for training and track practice. I will never forget my first track practice. I was so embarrassed. People were lapping me like crazy. The voice inside my head told me "You are never coming back here! You suck and who do you think you are to join a group like this?!" Then Principal Casey came out and said, "Really? What would you say to one of your students or teachers who talked like that?! You would tell them that comparison is the thief of joy and that you are not comparing yourself to others! You are here to learn and grow and to get better!" 

In October of 2021, I ran my first Half Marathon in St. Charles, MO. There were many obstacles along the way, including runner's knee, but I finished with a great time and lots of smiles! I definitely was ready to do it again! 

I ran through the winter and began training for a spring half marathon. This time it was Rock the Parkway in Kansas City and I improved on my time. I was so excited about this that I begin to wonder if I could pull off a marathon. I visited with some of my friends who had done marathons and got mixed reviews.  I was warned about how much time and commitment was involved with the training. I decided to train as if I were doing a marathon, reserving the right to do a half marathon instead. I didn't make a public announcement. That was too much accountability! LOL! And quite frankly, I didn't want any pressure.

I began doing work outs by Sally McRae --- an ultra runner that was a former teacher. She inspires me so much! You must check out her podcast! I read all the books I could get my hands on about running! I LOVED Let Your Mind Run by Deena Kastor, Eat and Run by Scott Jurek and Steve Friedman, The Plant-Based Ahtlete by Matt Frazier, Running Your First Marathon by Grete Waitz and Gloria Averbuch, Running Your First Ultra by Krissy Moehl, Yoga for Runners by Christine Felstead, Older, Faster, Stronger: What Women Runners Can Teach Us About Living Younger, Longer by Margaret Webb, and Chasing Excellence: The Remarkable Life and Inspiring Vigilosophy of Coach Joe Vigil by Pat Melgares. 

The books fulfilled my quest to understand and got my brain involved in the process. Next was getting my body in the best shape possible. My training schedule included strength workouts three mornings a week before school on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. I did a group run on Monday nights that were generally 4 miles long. I did my track workouts on Wednesday nights that included all kinds of drills and new terminology I knew nothing about prior! Thursday morning I got up before school to run three miles with my neighbor and dear friend, Anne', and Saturdays were dedicated to my long runs. I tried to make Sundays a day of rest and yoga! 

As the mileage increased, this became very challenging. I had to set aside 3-4 hours on Saturday for running and then would often go do a Cherry Bomb show in the evening! Sometimes this just did not work out and I would have to get a long run in on Sunday which really threw everything off! I was deeply grateful for the many Running Club members that offered to run with me so I could get all my miles in! Huge shout outs to Anne' Erickson, Nick Pettit, Mark and Ben Stallbaumer, Mike Faulconer, Maya Kamen and Elizabeth Campbell. I can never thank our coach enough! Brett Guemmer has taught me so much, and though he has coached Olympic runners, he never made me feel "less than." He always took time to visit with me and answer my plethera of questions, helped me to set goals, and even cheered me on during my marathon via my Garmin! 

My nutrition was vital to my training and I had NO idea how important this was, especially for the race! I have been following a whole foods, plant-based diet for over 2 1/2 years now! My body LOVES this and reacts well! While training, I paid special attention to my gut health and besides drinking my protein rich, green smoothie, I added a wellness shot of turmeric root, ginger root, apple cider vinegar, cayenne pepper, black pepper, garlic and honey/dates. This was incredible for inflammation and my immune system. Ok - so now the one thing that had to go...all alcohol. My body did NOT like this for running! AT ALL. While I have enjoyed some since the race is over, I am contemplating if there is really room for it in my life. It negatively affects my sleep, which is CRUCIAL for recovery and the bottom line is, it is just poison, no matter how much I enjoy it! Ugh! 

Speaking of sleep - this was vital for my training. If I did not have adequate sleep, those long runs were brutal. I valued my sleep so much that I had to make a temporary bedroom downstairs so that my hubby's snoring would not keep me awake. I didn't like it...it felt weird. That also meant Friday nights were not that exciting! LOL! Watch a little TV, without at drink (Friday's are Whiskey Friday around here), and go to bed about 9 pm so I could get up at 4:30am in order to be ready to run about 5:00 or 5:15 am. 

All of these pieces came together to set the stage for my training, however, the most compelling training happened with my mind. The mind/body connection is absolutely fascinating! And that, my friends, is for part 2 of this blog! 

In Search of Common Ground

My heart is heavy. We are so paralyzed by polarization across this country and this polarization is a breeding ground for hate and "otherness." As humans, we find ourselves trying to find the balance between finding our own identities, and belonging and being accepted by our various collectives. It is an intricate dance between finding our own voice, and living out the values and beliefs of our people. Our people could be our our families, our churches and religious affiliations, our schools, our communities, and people who look and think like us. While we have engaged in this intricate dance, we have forgotten that it takes place on the stage of our common humanity. And this is precisely how we find ourselves divorced from one another. 

We can't seem to find common ground. What would happen if we truly approached one another with the idea of seeking first to understand before foisting our stories and opinions upon one another? What would happen if we took a moment to consider the other? What would happen if we ditched our insatiable desire to be right? What if we actually talked to one another with respect and dignity? What if we at least tried?

I definitely have my own opinions on so many issues that face us as a nation. I can live in those opinions to the extent that they don't rob others of their unalienable rights which include life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I understand this. It is one of the beautiful things about being an American. But let us consider how many of our people have the opportunity to truly experience this? WHO gets the opportunity to pursue these things? And before stating our opinions on how EVERYONE can, what would happen if we just LISTENED? What I am observing across our nation is the refusal to listen. The absolute knowing that "my" way is right. The need to be powerful. To be all-knowing. To exclude others and point fingers. To find absolutely nothing the other says to be important or significant. Even amongst those who claim to be open...even these shut others out and mock people for their perspectives. This mocking, this meanness - is what breaks my heart. I believe we are deeply connected to one another and what I do to others, I am doing to myself. Therefore, the lies and untruths that are perpetuated from each side cause the divide to be even greater. 

What happened to finding common ground? I KNOW there are things we can agree on. And from this place, the healing begins. WHY do you see things that way? WHY do you feel that way. Have a conversation with me. Do you really hate me because of my opinions? Can we come from a place of love and compassion? Help me to understand. 

I will conclude these thoughts with the words of New York Senator Robert Kennedy addressing a crowd after the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr:

My favorite poet was Aeschylus. He wrote: “In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.” 

What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence or lawlessness; but love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or they be black. So I shall ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of Martin Luther King, that’s true, but more importantly to say a prayer for our own country, which all of us love—a prayer for understanding and that compassion of which I spoke. We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times; we’ve had difficult times in the past; we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; it is not the end of disorder. But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings who abide in our land. Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world. Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people.

This statement is from 1968 and leaves much room for a deeper understanding of the plight of my black bothers and sisters. However, it is my hope that in the spirit of these words, we might search for love and wisdom and compassion for one another. What is your experience? Let's build on common ground. 

To My White Friends and Friends of Color

Dear White Friends - 

I have been deeply contemplative and reflective regarding the brutality towards George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. I know everyone has a host of opinions, judgements, concerns and ideas and are sharing them rampantly. I, however, have had such a sense of despair and overwhelming sadness that I have been unable to find adequate words to express this until now. I realize that even this is a luxury of my white privilege. I am conscious of my white fragility as well as the concept of white tears, as I began the journey of truly examining and confronting my white privilege around 2002. Being aware of white tears, nonetheless, does not stop tears from flowing down my white face and from my heart. I do not wish to be consoled at all, as my tears and pain cannot compare to the suffering of my black brothers and sisters. My heart is breaking for all people of color. 

For those of you who would like to judge our black brothers and sisters for their anger - please stop. Please stop pointing your fingers. Please stop the judgement. Stop for a moment and consider where that anger stems from. Instead of trying to make yourself right, just listen. What are the messages behind the anger? Has quiet protest gotten anyone's attention? Has anything really changed since the civil rights movement? If so, why then, do we keep coming back to the same issues? Please don't take these statements as a broad sweeping sentiment that all police are bad. We know that is not the case. That is ridiculous. So just stop. When you do that, you are diverting attention away from the real issue, and white people get to take center stage again. We have had center stage for far too long. 

Attacking individual people and arguing with one another is not going to get us anywhere. Sure, we need to hold individuals accountable for their actions, however, it is more powerful to examine policies and practices of our institutions. The individuals making horrible choices are a product of our social constructs and institutional racism. We will continue to have individuals making horrible, racist choices as long as we allow current policies and practices to continue. We also have to stop acting like everyone is equal and has an equal chance to be successful. That is a convenient lie we like to tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better. If we want to dismantle racism, our black brothers and sisters need to do the talking, and us white folks need to do the listening. 

If you are interested in having an open, honest conversation with me about what I have said here, I invite you in. I will not judge you. I will not attack you. You can say things that may feel forbidden or taboo. If you are truly committed to making our United States a better, safer place for all, where every, single citizen has a chance at the pursuit of happiness, and you are grappling with what I have said here - I invite you in. It is uncomfortable. So be prepared. But we never grow when we are comfortable. We only learn and grow when we lean into our discomfort. 

To my Dear Friends of Color - 

Try as I might, I will never be able to fully understand your experience. My daughter is black. We work through the pain of her reality and grapple with the fact that I have no point of reference from which to guide her. We are honest with one another. She speaks, and I listen. In my white ignorance, I thought I would be able to rescue her from a rough experience. Instead, she rescued me. Our love is deep and I am learning from her every day. 

To my friends of color - thank you for your patience with me as I learn. I will, and have, stumbled along the way. Please know that I am fiercely committed to this work. I am boldly committed to dismantling racism in all of its ugly forms. 

Malcom X was so right.

“I believe that there will ultimately be a clash between the oppressed and those that do the oppressing. I believe that there will be a clash between those who want freedom, justice and equality for everyone and those who want to continue the systems of exploitation.” – Malcolm X

Would you allow me to join hands with you in order to dismantle these systems of exploitation?

In Memory of My Mother - Lola Maertens Dragoo

In memory of Lola Maertens Dragoo - June 14th, 1953 - January 16th, 2020  

I wrote and shared this message at her memorial on January 19th, 2020.

Our mom's story is one of reconciliation, forgiveness, and love. You see, her life was one full of strife, abuse, and survival for much of it. And it was also full of joy.

Due to a series of unfortunate circumstances, Carrie and me, and Tayler and our mother, were often apart, more than together. We did our best to stay in touch through visits, phone calls, letters, emails and texts over the years.

Our mom is one tough, stubborn lady. She found out in 2002 that she had breast cancer. She beat the breast cancer and participated in many Relays For Life, and became an advocate for others who were fighting cancer. She was often a source of inspiration and hope for others facing the same battle. I learned this during our unexpected stay here in Monte. She also served as a source of hope and inspiration for her friends who might be going through difficult relationships. She was always ready to give a listening ear without judgement.

When mom got laid off from MTI, she was devastated. But in true Lola fashion, she turned it into an opportunity. She spent the next few years making visits back to Missouri. During this time, Carrie and discovered many loves that we shared with our mom. Visiting wineries, wearing Lula Roe leggings, sipping on lots of hot teas, and shopping for shoes amongst long talks!

In 2016, our mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. This was unrelated to the breast cancer she survived. She faced the lung cancer relentlessly, driven by the fact that she had beat lung cancer before and she would beat cancer again. I was able to take off work and come to be with her during her recovery. It was my first true glimpse of her life in Monte. Friends checked in on her, I went daily to Java to pick up her extra hot, chai tea latte with soy, and experienced some quality one on one time with my mother.

Fast forward to April 2019. We received the devastating news that our mom had pancreatic cancer. Our mom faced this diagnosis with the same optimism and ferocity that she faced her other diagnoses with. Little did we know that we would receive some of the greatest gifts from our mother during the next nine months.

We were given the gift of seeing our mother through her friends' eyes. A woman who was always there for her friends. She was the one to lift others up and she was often called a gem. Everywhere we went, people talked about how much they loved our mother and what she meant to them.

The gift that none of us saw coming, was the gift our deep friendship and love for one another. You see, while Carrie and I have spent most of our lives together, we did not get that time with Tayler. Mom, in her ferocious battle with cancer, gave Tayler, Carrie and me, the gift of time. We love one another deeply and have committed to keep our relationship at the forefront. In fact, Carrie and I have bossed our "little brother" into coming for Thanksgiving each year and we have committed to come here...NOT in the winter. :)

Another unexpected gift we have received is our new group of friends in Monte. Words are inadequate to express our gratitude to all of you. You have kept us fed, hugged, and loved during a very difficult time in our lives. I am not sure how we could have gotten through this without your outpouring of love and support. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Reconciliation, forgiveness and love. Being human is messy business. How beautiful would the world be if we could practice reconciliation, forgiveness and love?