In Search of Common Ground

My heart is heavy. We are so paralyzed by polarization across this country and this polarization is a breeding ground for hate and "otherness." As humans, we find ourselves trying to find the balance between finding our own identities, and belonging and being accepted by our various collectives. It is an intricate dance between finding our own voice, and living out the values and beliefs of our people. Our people could be our our families, our churches and religious affiliations, our schools, our communities, and people who look and think like us. While we have engaged in this intricate dance, we have forgotten that it takes place on the stage of our common humanity. And this is precisely how we find ourselves divorced from one another. 

We can't seem to find common ground. What would happen if we truly approached one another with the idea of seeking first to understand before foisting our stories and opinions upon one another? What would happen if we took a moment to consider the other? What would happen if we ditched our insatiable desire to be right? What if we actually talked to one another with respect and dignity? What if we at least tried?

I definitely have my own opinions on so many issues that face us as a nation. I can live in those opinions to the extent that they don't rob others of their unalienable rights which include life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I understand this. It is one of the beautiful things about being an American. But let us consider how many of our people have the opportunity to truly experience this? WHO gets the opportunity to pursue these things? And before stating our opinions on how EVERYONE can, what would happen if we just LISTENED? What I am observing across our nation is the refusal to listen. The absolute knowing that "my" way is right. The need to be powerful. To be all-knowing. To exclude others and point fingers. To find absolutely nothing the other says to be important or significant. Even amongst those who claim to be open...even these shut others out and mock people for their perspectives. This mocking, this meanness - is what breaks my heart. I believe we are deeply connected to one another and what I do to others, I am doing to myself. Therefore, the lies and untruths that are perpetuated from each side cause the divide to be even greater. 

What happened to finding common ground? I KNOW there are things we can agree on. And from this place, the healing begins. WHY do you see things that way? WHY do you feel that way. Have a conversation with me. Do you really hate me because of my opinions? Can we come from a place of love and compassion? Help me to understand. 

I will conclude these thoughts with the words of New York Senator Robert Kennedy addressing a crowd after the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr:

My favorite poet was Aeschylus. He wrote: “In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.” 

What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence or lawlessness; but love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or they be black. So I shall ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of Martin Luther King, that’s true, but more importantly to say a prayer for our own country, which all of us love—a prayer for understanding and that compassion of which I spoke. We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times; we’ve had difficult times in the past; we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; it is not the end of disorder. But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings who abide in our land. Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world. Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people.

This statement is from 1968 and leaves much room for a deeper understanding of the plight of my black bothers and sisters. However, it is my hope that in the spirit of these words, we might search for love and wisdom and compassion for one another. What is your experience? Let's build on common ground. 

To My White Friends and Friends of Color

Dear White Friends - 

I have been deeply contemplative and reflective regarding the brutality towards George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. I know everyone has a host of opinions, judgements, concerns and ideas and are sharing them rampantly. I, however, have had such a sense of despair and overwhelming sadness that I have been unable to find adequate words to express this until now. I realize that even this is a luxury of my white privilege. I am conscious of my white fragility as well as the concept of white tears, as I began the journey of truly examining and confronting my white privilege around 2002. Being aware of white tears, nonetheless, does not stop tears from flowing down my white face and from my heart. I do not wish to be consoled at all, as my tears and pain cannot compare to the suffering of my black brothers and sisters. My heart is breaking for all people of color. 

For those of you who would like to judge our black brothers and sisters for their anger - please stop. Please stop pointing your fingers. Please stop the judgement. Stop for a moment and consider where that anger stems from. Instead of trying to make yourself right, just listen. What are the messages behind the anger? Has quiet protest gotten anyone's attention? Has anything really changed since the civil rights movement? If so, why then, do we keep coming back to the same issues? Please don't take these statements as a broad sweeping sentiment that all police are bad. We know that is not the case. That is ridiculous. So just stop. When you do that, you are diverting attention away from the real issue, and white people get to take center stage again. We have had center stage for far too long. 

Attacking individual people and arguing with one another is not going to get us anywhere. Sure, we need to hold individuals accountable for their actions, however, it is more powerful to examine policies and practices of our institutions. The individuals making horrible choices are a product of our social constructs and institutional racism. We will continue to have individuals making horrible, racist choices as long as we allow current policies and practices to continue. We also have to stop acting like everyone is equal and has an equal chance to be successful. That is a convenient lie we like to tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better. If we want to dismantle racism, our black brothers and sisters need to do the talking, and us white folks need to do the listening. 

If you are interested in having an open, honest conversation with me about what I have said here, I invite you in. I will not judge you. I will not attack you. You can say things that may feel forbidden or taboo. If you are truly committed to making our United States a better, safer place for all, where every, single citizen has a chance at the pursuit of happiness, and you are grappling with what I have said here - I invite you in. It is uncomfortable. So be prepared. But we never grow when we are comfortable. We only learn and grow when we lean into our discomfort. 

To my Dear Friends of Color - 

Try as I might, I will never be able to fully understand your experience. My daughter is black. We work through the pain of her reality and grapple with the fact that I have no point of reference from which to guide her. We are honest with one another. She speaks, and I listen. In my white ignorance, I thought I would be able to rescue her from a rough experience. Instead, she rescued me. Our love is deep and I am learning from her every day. 

To my friends of color - thank you for your patience with me as I learn. I will, and have, stumbled along the way. Please know that I am fiercely committed to this work. I am boldly committed to dismantling racism in all of its ugly forms. 

Malcom X was so right.

“I believe that there will ultimately be a clash between the oppressed and those that do the oppressing. I believe that there will be a clash between those who want freedom, justice and equality for everyone and those who want to continue the systems of exploitation.” – Malcolm X

Would you allow me to join hands with you in order to dismantle these systems of exploitation?

In Memory of My Mother - Lola Maertens Dragoo

In memory of Lola Maertens Dragoo - June 14th, 1953 - January 16th, 2020  

I wrote and shared this message at her memorial on January 19th, 2020.

Our mom's story is one of reconciliation, forgiveness, and love. You see, her life was one full of strife, abuse, and survival for much of it. And it was also full of joy.

Due to a series of unfortunate circumstances, Carrie and me, and Tayler and our mother, were often apart, more than together. We did our best to stay in touch through visits, phone calls, letters, emails and texts over the years.

Our mom is one tough, stubborn lady. She found out in 2002 that she had breast cancer. She beat the breast cancer and participated in many Relays For Life, and became an advocate for others who were fighting cancer. She was often a source of inspiration and hope for others facing the same battle. I learned this during our unexpected stay here in Monte. She also served as a source of hope and inspiration for her friends who might be going through difficult relationships. She was always ready to give a listening ear without judgement.

When mom got laid off from MTI, she was devastated. But in true Lola fashion, she turned it into an opportunity. She spent the next few years making visits back to Missouri. During this time, Carrie and discovered many loves that we shared with our mom. Visiting wineries, wearing Lula Roe leggings, sipping on lots of hot teas, and shopping for shoes amongst long talks!

In 2016, our mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. This was unrelated to the breast cancer she survived. She faced the lung cancer relentlessly, driven by the fact that she had beat lung cancer before and she would beat cancer again. I was able to take off work and come to be with her during her recovery. It was my first true glimpse of her life in Monte. Friends checked in on her, I went daily to Java to pick up her extra hot, chai tea latte with soy, and experienced some quality one on one time with my mother.

Fast forward to April 2019. We received the devastating news that our mom had pancreatic cancer. Our mom faced this diagnosis with the same optimism and ferocity that she faced her other diagnoses with. Little did we know that we would receive some of the greatest gifts from our mother during the next nine months.

We were given the gift of seeing our mother through her friends' eyes. A woman who was always there for her friends. She was the one to lift others up and she was often called a gem. Everywhere we went, people talked about how much they loved our mother and what she meant to them.

The gift that none of us saw coming, was the gift our deep friendship and love for one another. You see, while Carrie and I have spent most of our lives together, we did not get that time with Tayler. Mom, in her ferocious battle with cancer, gave Tayler, Carrie and me, the gift of time. We love one another deeply and have committed to keep our relationship at the forefront. In fact, Carrie and I have bossed our "little brother" into coming for Thanksgiving each year and we have committed to come here...NOT in the winter. :)

Another unexpected gift we have received is our new group of friends in Monte. Words are inadequate to express our gratitude to all of you. You have kept us fed, hugged, and loved during a very difficult time in our lives. I am not sure how we could have gotten through this without your outpouring of love and support. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Reconciliation, forgiveness and love. Being human is messy business. How beautiful would the world be if we could practice reconciliation, forgiveness and love?